Do you remember the first person you fell in love with? I’m not talking about who you had a crush on, I’m talking about LOVE.
The first person that you gave parts of yourself to that you had never given another.
The first person you said “I love you” to (outside of your family).
The first person you felt like you would do anything in the world for.
I remember that person. It was freshman year in college. I met him my first day.
I felt so alive and giddy and happy. It was my first serious boyfriend and I was totally head over heels in love.
After we told each other “I love you”, I thought for sure this would be the man I marry.
People were even taking bets that we would be the first to get married amongst our friends.
Well, we were all wrong.
About 8 months into the relationship, something happened that changed everything. Something I didn’t see coming.
One night after having too many drinks, we got into a fight. A fight like I had never experienced before. I can’t even remember what the fight was about, but it got ugly. What I do remember is my boyfriend, the love of my life (or so I thought) putting his hands around my neck and pinning me to the ground. I kicked and screamed and managed to get away.
When I woke up the next morning, I was praying that it was only a nightmare. I felt sick to my stomach. How could someone that loves me want to hurt me? I was so confused and devastated. He apologized and said he had too much to drink and didn’t know what he was doing.
A part of me wanted to leave him and never speak to him again. He assured me it would never happen again. I loved him so much, that I gave him the benefit of the doubt and stayed.
Well, guess what? It happened again. Not quite like the last time. Then again. And again.
I was so filled with anger at him. How could this be happening??? These are the things that happen to other people. And you think to yourself, if that ever happened to me, I wouldn’t stand for it.
I was 19. I was so angry at myself. I wanted to leave him so badly, but couldn’t seem to find the courage to do so. I felt so bad about myself. I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. I wasn’t perfect. I didn’t do the right thing. I didn’t honor myself.
Eventually, I found the courage and left. But, the damage had been done…by me. That experience had left a lasting impression on my self esteem. One that lasted up until recently. The experience and how I stayed in it for so long, negatively impacted my belief in myself and eroded my trust.
It came back up again for healing recently when I was feeling exhausted. I asked myself what is really going on here. I noticed a pattern of doubting myself and being very critical. If I couldn’t trust myself to do the right thing back then, then how could I trust myself NOW. That’s what was running deep down inside of me…I can’t trust myself…I’m a failure.
I was holding onto this from 20 years ago!!!! I used the tools I have to release this experience (and a lot of tears) so I could heal and FORGIVE myself. The anger and hatred I had for myself, the embarrassment and shame that I had stored up inside of me for allowing this to happen for TOO long…was finally gone.
In it’s place, I filled myself up with LOVE. Not in my mind or intellectually. In my BODY. I felt pure love for my 19 year old self that was just doing the best she could. She didn’t fail. She didn’t need to be punished. She needed me to love her (for me to love ME), in spite of my choices back then.
Have you been doubting yourself lately? Doubting that you can find a way to resolve that health issue. Doubting that you can close that deal. Doubting that you deserve to have the happiness and success you want.
What past experiences are you still holding on to where you don’t feel like you did the right thing, you weren’t perfect, or felt like you failed?
Have you really forgiven yourself? A good way to know is to ask yourself how much you doubt or punish yourself with negative self talk.
It’s time to heal.
It’s time to let go.
It’s time to forgive.
It’s time to LOVE yourself.
With Courage,
Colleen
